Ok, it's confirmed.
I am shifting house.
Er... I mean I am shifting url.

I hate it when I do this... because you know the part about adding friends and stuff...
But because there will be new friends reading my blog and it is all-filled up with entries that I didn't wanna them to read... Plus you know the whole trouble cos I do not have the habit of making my entries private... so it will be a long and tedious process to change the status.

So I am moving house. (for the nth time...)
I know you guys will be shaking yr heads off but plsplsplspls change yr whatever and add me!!

You can get me at http://my-serendip.livejournal.com. My new username is my-serendip.

Okay, this is the worst one so far.
And it happens to be the most important one.
(unless you count 1,60,70,80,90 or 100... don't think i can be any older than this.)

I guess sometimes because it is important, your standards will rise as well.
Maybe expectations. (Maybe in addition, I am PMS-ing as well.)

Or maybe because the people involved are important, so things become more complicated.

Well, I don't know how I screwed up my 21st birthday.
(It was not exactly screwed up, cos I was especially touched by my family, CCA-mates and my colleagues.) They went out of way to make things happy for me.

My colleague, Julia had her lunch break at 1.30pm and she had a customer at 2.20pm. She went out to Orchard to buy roses and jewellery for me. In a mad rush, they wrapped up the roses and tried damned hard to hide it from me. (Insisting that I cannot go cos someone hasn't signed the card yet... they pretended that they need to find out some stuff bout my work before I go on leave on fri.)

My CCA-mates, Wenru, Angeline and Kezz, had to lie to me so that i could be out of their way when they went hunting for a birthday present. Wenru went shopping with me on thu's night. She listened to me complain about work and stuff. They are new friends and although I feel that I did not do a lot of them... they went out of way to make my birthday special.

My aunt was really busy but she made an effort to organise my birthday party. She spent lots of money on my birthday present and made it a point that the family gets together to celebrate for me.

My dear little cousins, they called up to say 'Happy Birthday' even though they had abacus test on the same afternoon. They were really sweet and I was really touched.

My uncles bought me stuff to eat and asked to me to send them the bill of what I have bought. Guess what, think I will be buying a branded watch, maybe a Raymond Well? :) I am not joking.

My mum woke me up in the morning and was joking that since she suffered for my birth, she will not be donating to my birthday fund. But 1 minute later, she promised me 2000 bucks and for everytime I talked back, she will minus 1 zero off. (I had to remind her that she owned me 20bucks.)

My dad gave me his angpow 1 day earlier cos he claims that he might not remember today. (Well, I know it is because I can start spending earlier.)

Justin bought me something but hasn't wrap it yet. So I will be collecting it tmr. He and Jean will be treating me to Suki Sushi. Seeing that I was tired, he let me off slightly earlier from tuition. (Guess he wanted to eat snake as well.) :P

Plus lots of others who called up, smsed, msned to wish me 'Happy Birthday'.

And by the way, my mum woke up early to make sure I have the traditional noodles with eggs for birthday. She is cooking a feast for me now. (Plus hoping that my birthday date and IC number will come out for as winning numbers for 4D tonight.)

My grandma sent me her angpow and promised that she will 'upgrade' it if she strikes 4D. I am going to make her agree verbally that for everytime she strikes 4D, I will take a 20% commission.

Even my grandfather who is still sick, told people that I will be coming down and insist that people buy stuff for me to eat.

Even the aunty at the grocery shop where I run errands for my mum, gave me a very good discount and wished me 'Happy Birthday' before I went off.

By the way, this should ideally be in the new blog. But since it has to be classified as part of the before 21st and maybe somehow unhappy memories... I have decided to leave it here first.

Then again, maybe it is not so bad after all. Just that it has to be finished off with a flat note. A very flat one, mark my words.

Knew something happened. From a friend who just came back.
I know that same horrible feeling, that feeling of being so helpless....
I hope you are feeling better.

All thing must pass.

Well, the thought makes me boil.
I met this idiot/pig/psycho/lunatic/man  (do not know what to delete and finally decided that he is more an animal than a human) who queued behind me for mixed vegetable rice. After ordering my combination of food, I went to the counter to pay up but this idiot happened to arrive at the counter before me and was blocking my way. Politely, I said excuse me and you know what the hell that man said? He said why can't you just walk behind me? When i refused to answer him and went ahead to make my payment, he continued to say that i am so FUNNY. I continued to ignore him and walk away.

I mean look!! who's FUNNY? He doesn't own that whatever path we are standing on and he is clearly blocking my way!! Why do I have to accomodate him?? He ought to be condemned to hell. I mean like when one person doesn't reply you, it doesn't mean that she is any pushover but rather she thinks that she cannot speak the pig language and has no idea how to communicate to a pig. Felt like throwing my plate of rice to his face. I highly suspect that he has a mental problem (serious) cos he was as impatient when I saw him ordering 2 weeks ago. I mean come on, you think you are so so so bloody great that people have to give in to you??!!

Whoever that bloody pig is, plsplsplsplsplsplsplsplspls.... given his character and mentality, i don't think he can go far in life and everything. I mean come on, you are past your teens and your AP has never changed a bit. KARMA KARMA KARMA, in the end, he will get what he deserves.... serve him right.

1 More Day to the start of the exams.
5 More Days til the end of the whole dreaded ordeal.

I am slowly counting down. Trying to figure out ways to study enough for the exams.
How much is enough?
Left 1 lecture to finish off for my MNO1001.
Left 1.5 lectures to finish off for MKT1003.
Left quite a bit to finish off for LSM2102.

Pls let me survive this.

在我心上，用力地开一枪。
让一切，归零，在这一声巨响。

我会继续，做我该做的事，走我该走的路。
没有愿不愿意。
因为没有选择。
因为没有时间。

我期待接下来三个月的假期。
虽然，我不认为，我会知道如何善用这些多出来的时间。

快要爆炸了。
但是，一如往常，就算要死，也要考完才死。

是我太自私了吗？
是我想太多了吗？
为什么，我觉得，我并不自由。

As the whole family struggles to get used to the situation, we find ourselves closer than ever.

I took a cab on thu after the CA.. to SGH.
Took a long time to get into the ward, did not dare to go in.
When i went in, he just had his lunch and was sitting on the chair.
Everything looked normal. Then I called him.

He looked back at me with a blank look.
'Can i go home pls?'. He couldn't recognise me, thought i was somebody else.. a stranger.
Kept talking and talking... about what he did in the past...
But he couldn't recognise me.
I stood there, beside him... as he talked to himself.. as he stayed in his little own world.
Kept crying, couldn't stop.
Because we are talking about my grandfather, someone who has known me and someone who I have known for twenty years.

After standing there and crying for almost 1 hour, I asked him again.
“阿公，你知道我是谁吗”
“我。。我不知道你是谁。。。sorry”
“那你懂谁是阿girl吗？”
“阿girl,我...”
“阿公，我是阿girl.”

“阿girl,你来了！！”raising his hand as if to beat me but slowly patting my hand.
That's what he did...always.. exactly in the same way.
The moment he said that, i saw a spark of recognition and his tears started flowing.
But then, he forgot everything again.

He remembers and then he forgets..
It hurts, hurts so much until I don't know what to say.

Everyone agreed that the whole family is not there for his inheritance.
We do not want his money. His money and property will be used for his medical fees.
In this family, anything can be solved by money... is not an issue. The issue is... we don't have the time.
I will be listing myself as his property's co-owner. Just to make the legal process easier when he passes away... will be done as soon as I reached 21.
My uncles will be installing video cams around the house. Plus facilities...
We will be hiring a trained maid with nursing experience. In fact, willing to pay higher than the market price.
My mum will help to take care of him during daytime...
We are dealing with someone with only his childhood memories now...like a kid.
You know what, he is really close to me, my mum and my brother.
Because during his state of memory loss, he could remember my mum and my house number.
That's the only thing. Call my daughter at this number.

Now when my mum visits him, he can only say...'i know you are a very good person... but i dun know your name'.

As things settle down, as we make all the necessary arrangements... I felt strangely detached. This numb feeling inside my heart... like things will never be the same again.
Indeed, things will never be the same again.

I know I have to stop crying...
But the man I saw on sat, my dear grandfather... he lost his sight and all of his memories.
Just a weekend, he lost his life... what remains is just an empty shell.
He's alive... yet not alive.

I can't stop crying... how can I stop crying?
He dotes on me... I thought he will be there...

My only hope now... is that someone pls take him away.
Please end his sufferings...

Okay, this is a short one.

Thought I lost my wallet somewhere near my locker.
Mad-dashed back to the crime scene after mich told me that the wallet was not in the bag.
Just swallowed a whole plate of chicken rice... dun ask me how I ran with a full stomach.

Went there and a guy sitting on a nearby bench, said he saw nothing but 2 girls with polo-tees walking past to another direction. Felt like crying on the spot cos the wallet is newly-bought and there's like so many cards inside. Will have to make police reports and call banks to cancel cards...

So deja vu... like returning to the year before when I lost my whole bag around the exams too.
At lost, I walked back towards the canteen... trying to figure out who to call and how to account to my mum.

Then ms.mich met me along the way... told her that I lost my wallet and asked her to check my bag again.

It's inside.

oh man, kill me pls??

Here am I, writing this on a blank sheet of paper (with a poorly-drawn plasmid behind).
Just spent 3 hours making sense of DNA sequencing and 3 minutes to make sense of my life. I should be happy. The keyword here is 'should', not 'happy'.
Maybe I should change it to 'must' then it will really make me happy.

Am I happy? I ask myself this question often enough to know that I do not have an answer. There are too many times when I find myself drowning and too many times I quitted drowning because I knew I had to stay afloat. No matter what.

This is not stress, not the trouble with the environment.
Because we are so fortunate, having a chance to pursue a degree and perhaps a life.
I know I should be grateful but sometimes I stopped feeling like this.

But dear, the reason why I never stopped being positive, is because I tried to see meaning in life...no matter how hard it is. (I hope this is not sounding like a sucide note... there goes my evil sense of humour).

I think the difference between me and the rest of the people living in poverty is that I own too much. According to the hierarchy of needs, I have fulfilled the physiological, safety and social needs... moving towards self-actualization. When you have trouble filling up your stomach, you probably have no time to think about your life and beyond.

So maybe I should stop complaining and get down to work again. Maybe I should stop thinking that the life I am trying to lead... is slowly eating me up. I should be grateful...

It's the Monday blues and I am strong. I bounce back cos I never stopped believing that there is someone up there looking after me. There's my mum who will protect me like a tigeress (probably behaves the same when she chides me... nevermind that.)

Everyday, we tried to make sense of our lives, maybe these are futile efforts. But the thing is to never stop doing it. Never to stop believing that there is meaning behind every obstacle that we meet and every deadline that the profs set (i mean i am trying to believe this...).

I don't know why I am writing this...but I think it helps by taking away some thoughts that float around in my brain... to reaffirm what I know and what I think I should know. This is one bad monday morning and afternoon... so much so that I felt frustrated with myself and extremely helpless.

Thank you to somebody whom encouraged me to get out of my room. Kind of funny that we are from rival schools (both sec and jc). Thank you for not being dismissive as I complained of the loud construction at my doorstep...as the drilling slowly drove me insane.

I am slowly gaining the momentum to mug...
In fact, think mich is right. I do perform better when under stress to perform.
A bit ironic...

两年前，买了一本书。
看了两年的书，一直都没有看完。
不知道为什么，只是觉得每一次拿起它，都像是重新的一次体验。
每一次看它，都会有不同的感觉。

于是，书，我断断续续地看了两年。
每一次，心里有说不出来的害怕，有无法了解的情绪时，就会拿出来看。
虽然，不是每一次都有会得到答案，但是总是让我浮躁的情绪可以得到暂时的平息。

有时，觉得...活着，好累。
但是，像我这样的生活，却是很多人倾尽一生也无法得到的。
也许是因为生活的基本须求已经被满足了，让人不禁要问...然后呢？
这样的我，接下来，到底要做什么？

有时候，我面对未来，其实有很多不安。
害怕自己会选错路，害怕自己会迷路。
更多的时候，害怕自己会不幸福...害怕自己不知道要做什么。
害怕自己会害怕。

有一天，也许我们都会勇敢地面对我们的害怕。
也许，那时候，我们就会发现...所有的害怕，其实都不存在。
因为，我们的所有害怕，都来自...自己。

我相信，活着的人，永远比死了的还要幸福。
只要还有呼吸，就有希望。
就可以改变这个世界。

不要放弃，我每天都这样告诉自己。
不要放弃，我想这样告诉你。
因为这个世界，无论再多么可笑...多么荒唐...
我依旧相信，这里有值得我们留下的原因。

累了，就休息一下。
哭了，就在眼泪流完之后，把眼泪擦干。
冷了，就找个人，一起依偎。

静下来的世界。
不要忘记聆听，自己心里的声音。

加油。

我越来越不了解这个世界。
后来，才发现，我会不了解... 其实是因为太了解了。
因为明白，所以才会产生不了解。

就好像，你明明以为你很了解自己。
可是，有些时候，你却发觉镜子前面的自己是如此陌生。
好像，是在看着另一个人在演着自己。

'我'的定义，原来只不过是一个自己从人生的剧本中，选出来的角色。
我要当好人。
我是坏人。
我快乐。
我哭泣。
因为我选择。
所以我开始了解，我的所有不幸，眼泪，和不快乐都来自...我自己。
因为我选择如此。

前几天，和朋友聊起。
我说，我想买一间大房子，车子... 赚很多钱，然后环游世界。
她问，这样你会快乐吗？

我回答，那没有关系。

因为我每天都快乐。
因为我已经快乐了。

而我只会变得更快乐。

Waiting for time to pass and group members to come.
I am really sick. After the honey roasted chicken leg and pasta, I feel that I want to collapse.
Nope. Let me correct myself, I am COLLAPSING!!

These days, I think I am jinxed. Really. Nothing goes my way. NOTHING. PSST.

I am having cramps now and it's really bad. Left the panadols at home in another bag.
I wanna cry cos I think I have underperformed for my CA again. note: again.
Plus it doesn't help that my project group is so not easy to work with and stuff...

Pls... can I have some divine intervention? Help!!
Send me a hunk now or at least make a pack of panadols drop down from the biz canteen's roof.

买了「如果。爱」的光碟。
其实，电影，我早看过了。
看完了后，就好想收藏。因为故事凄美。
也因为，我想收住当时的感触。

买了之后，回家，重新地看了一遍。
却觉得，感觉不一样了。
那时候，在电影院里头的感动，都消失了。
因为我开始改变了。

有人已经不在我心里了。

曾经一度非常重视的人，原来也可以变得漠不关心。
爱和不爱，其实可以分得非常清楚。

我不爱了。
甚至，也许从来都没有爱过。
以前的事，突然变得好肤浅。
流过的眼泪，寂寞的眼神，不能入睡的夜。
都好像是梦。
现在，以第三个人的角度来看当时的他和我，觉得好可笑。
我们都在以自己的方式来谈爱情。
我们只愿意看到我们想看到的。
我们只愿意相信我们所希望发生的。
我们只愿意听见我们想听到的。
那时候的我，其实瞎了，聋了，心也盲了。
这不是爱情。
如果有爱的话，也只是爱上爱而已。

我有一个关于爱情的梦，所以我找了一个男主角来帮我完成它。
一个镜头，一分钟的表演，然后故事就落幕。
这个梦的唯一用处，就是让我永远也不要再走同样的路。
永远也不要因为渴望，所以盲目地追求。

幸好，他不是林见东，我也不算是孙纳。
还好… 真好…

我用回忆温暖了想你的每一刻。

随着时间流失，我越来越不相信，以前那个感觉叫爱。
因为太多的时候，都花在挣扎。
我越来越相信，如果那时的我曾经认为那份感觉是我50％的爱情...
那其实只有0.5％吧。

我有信心，可以爱得更好。
我有信心，可以更深地去爱另一个人。
尽管，另一个人也许还没有出现。

我想，我的爱情也许开始苏醒了。

Well...

To waternixie, sorry... both mich and I did not make it to Karolinska Institute. (I mean... come on, the asst dean and prof Ip must be crazy if they did that. P.S We don't even want to go for SEP in the first place!! )

By the way, Karolinska is a nice place to go but not for NUS sci students... cos it is a medical-based school so there is no way whereby you can fit in your breath modules and unrestricted electives. Somebody who got into Karolinska actually wanted to get out of it. So I do not really see it as a loss... HAHA!!:P

I got into Lund University in Sweden. According to mich's good friend's best(?) friend (hmmm), it is a nice little place. Therefore, I guess it should not be a big problem to fit in. Anyway, mich has gotten into Uppsala University in Sweden. (which is terribly sucky... Lund and Uppsala are not even near.)- Nevertheless, I guess it is still too early to say whether I am going or not. Still waiting for more approvals...

Going to get back to work now. Got a lab report to write and a 1 page assignment on 'What makes the best and worst managers?'. There goes my lovely weekend. Sigh. :)

最近，好朋友恋爱了。
虽然不关我的事，但是真的很替她高兴。
我想，每一段爱情都是一个漫长的旅程。
有的人会迷失方向，有的人会改变。
有的人则选择半途而废。
可是，无论结局是什么，在旅程上总会让人坚强。
当然，我希望这次她的旅程会是没有终点的。

两个人，一直爱着。
两个人，一直互相扶持到老去...到死去。
没有终点，因为直到死亡也不能将两个人分开。

这样，好像有点可怕？
开玩笑的啦。

最近，和一位刚认识的朋友一起回家。
在路上，我们谈起了希望。
其实也蛮巧的，她也买了four leave clover。

她说，买下它是因为期待爱情的到来。
她还问，我现在是否也像她一样，等待着爱情的降临？
我想了想，才发觉，其实不是。

我很喜欢现在的生活。总是有忙不完的东西，而我依旧努力地寻找着自己的梦想。
不知道为什么，一个人的我，从来都不觉得孤单。
我一直觉得，那是自由。
走在街上，看着路上牵着手的情侣，我不会羡慕。
因为我开始明白，通往爱情的道路很长。不是一下子就可以到达终点。
我相信，我只是还没有遇上适合的人。
而适合的人，他会用力地敲着我的门。
把沉睡的我，给叫醒。

The start of the year...
Well... I am not sure whether you call this a good start. But I guess somehow it seems like one to me.
I went ahead with the big plan to fulfil my dreams... At least i did myself some justice by not screwing up the things.

One of my dear friends got a one way ticket to somewhere. No matter what kind of destination she will heading to, I wish her all the best. I think this is the best thing which can happen. At least there is a direction and a final destination...

The latest entry in waternixie's blog... reminded that me that I will turn 21 this year as well.
21... Many years back, when I was still a small little girl... I thought this figure can never come.
Maybe I should say, time flies... and that little girl has slowly grown up.

School is going to start tomorrow and there is still an interview on wed. I am prepared to be drilled by the assistant dean and Prof Alex Ip... Wish me luck.